HAYITSNAY

my desk

okay. so i failed. i said i was going to do a thing. and i didn’t.

the original plan was film it februrary.

i was going to produce 20 photographs i was happy with. i was going to finally learn how to use my nice camera. i was going to take advantage of my trip to sapporo for the snow festival. and i was going to capitalise on the lingering snow from this winter (even though it isn’t very much)

but i didn’t do it. my camera remained tightly tucked away in its case. unperturbed by the world beyond its padded walls.

so as the month came to a close. the gears in my brain started spinning. arg. i haven’t done the thing! i said i was going to do a thing every month. so. what else could i say i did for this month? i started with alliterative titles. what could i turn this month INTO? i must have done SOMETHING that i can file this month away as…

but as i thought this through, i didn’t like the way i was thinking.

why did i write the initial resolution?

because i wanted to remember this year for what it was. not for the rose tinted memories at the end or – worse – the salient memories that stick out like thorns.

so you know what. i didn’t do anything of note in february and that’s the truth.

now that’s not to say february was a waste of time. that’s far from the case.

i did, for example, keep the same momentum from january. and i’ve been proactive in making sure the cogs of my life keep turning and we keep chugging along. which i am very proud of. but other than that. february might as well have been january part 2.

and you know what? thats okay.

pretending this month was anything more than it was, is not something i can learn from. because what stops me from doing the same thing next month. doing nothing, and saying “ah well, you see, that was mundane march, and i just you know… did my regular thing…” no growth. nothing to feel proud of on the inside and a facade to be proud of on the outside. then coming to the end of the year. and being back to where i started.

and to that i say: nope. i’m worth more than that.

so yeah. i failed. but we learn, and we move on.

see you next month.